Joined: May 16 2001
Location: Home, in my 5 bedroom, 2 bath, big mother fucking house my family built, little shits.
Hey folks, I haven't written anything lengthly in a while and I haven't really known what to write, stuff has been bad at times but I'm managing not whining about it, I'm keeping my self stable a lot by focing myself and I wasn't aware prior to having something as important to me as my girlfriend Katie that if I feel something is truly worth everything and the idea of not having her in my life terrifies me more than losing my ex fiance ever did or even how I felt after she up and left, I can apparently control myself from being totally careless and fucking my own life up and someone elses, that didn't come without some bad times, some growing pains, and somehow she saw a worth in me that I couldn't see, that I didn't believe. It's given me hope and drive, a reason to live really, and it's not for her exactly, but it is because of her and it is most assuredly in the best interests of keeping her in my life. So I am going to therapy and I'm trying to find some meds that will give me a more level playing field to work on, I started out playing baseball on a mountain, now it's kind of a small to medium hill, so the ball (my thoughts, yo, bro, dudes) don't end up in such weird, bizzare, intense, scary, random, and all around stupidly fucked up places.
Anyhow, Sarah my cousin got enganged to a guy after 3 months to realize at 5 months he was a gambling addict and etc. There is more to it in a lot of ways, but that's the key part. The rest you'll get as you read.
This is the meat of it, this was in reply to another person and not directed to my cousin herself, it was more of a, hey the thing most everyone in the world, a love, a love forever even, guess what sad Sarah? It's evil! It always sucks, always will, nothing to gain here, go fuck a bunch of guys randomly because the only way a man will add anything to you is for a while, if you're even lucky there, is with his dick, and hey even then you'll pry feel like shit too! An may have to live with him in yor life forever after cause you get knocked up! You know, like last time! WOOOOOOOOOOO! I hate life!!!
Um, or something like that, I may have been somewhat liberal with the wording... words... sentences... etc. So, yeah, basically that but maybe a tad less dramatic. I know Sarah and her mother though, this is what either of them would think while reading love is evil, but in terms less relatively to silly bullshit before crazy deep stuffs, and more girly, personal and whatever.
Anyhow, I'm just happy to write something of length on here that has meaning, maybe it's blatantly obvious this is the case in every situation to some people, I don't know, but I know it wasn't for me, and Iknow people aren't as unique as they like to think, so possibly this may be helpful, good, or relatable to someone here.
This is to Amber when it felt like it was applicable to her, then I thought it may just make someone here, or maybe myself on her rereading it to see wtf it was 3 years from now while I'm sad feel hope and not look at things as darkly as, well honestly, as I used to.
You know, it's funny, I wrote this for Sarah in a response to someone telling her love was EVOL and that it was just bad and pure evil, but over the course of it this became something more of a way of thinking, it is the philosophy by which I try to live, and it's what I think about love and it's pain and wonder. I know you've been sad about things lately, I've tried to help but in the moment I never found the words to say and in the end I think that this is applicable and maybe even helpful, making you hopeful, and I never really intended to send this so it's written in a more abstract manner than personally to you, but I don't think the message is lost. It never is really, in anything, just sometimes we aren't paying as much attention as we thought we were or thinking about who we are and why we are where we are as much as we believed to be, and it has opened my eyes quite a bit to myself and given me a method almost, to life's seemingly insane outcomes and I guess it gives you and I or anyone, if they accept it, a why for bad things in their lives. To learn, to evolve, to grow, to be more than we began as. Relationships that last 70 years and those that last but 1 are all the same in one regard, evolution of your person and the person you're with is occuring, now if you're transparent with each other and fully open you can evolve together, if you're not eventually you'll fall apart, and in our case you evolved in a way you didn't really, truly expect and in the end it just really wasn't a surgery I was able to consider for myself. I may not care for dicks, but I guard mine like it's a national teasure. Unless it's prebreakup with you or with Katie, why are the women I'm with so freaking careless with bashing my junk with legs, arms, eggplants, i don't know. Oh, sorry, side tracked. Anyhow, here.
So it begins... FIGHT! I mean... READ!
I'd like to just say, first off that if I come off as arguing which I can without intent, I'm really not trying to do that, I respect your opinion entirely, our lives are obviously different and everyone is allowed to have their opinion. I'm merely discussing it with you, your concept is A mine is B and niether can be said to be wrong or right, or at any rate wrong or right for everyone, I just want to offer a different side, it happens to be the negative to your positive or positive to your negative, so I just felt the desire to reply initially. I just wanted to make sure you knew, mostly cause I sometimes come off as arguing or mad when I just am very passionate about what I'm saying. Also I'm using a laptop and I hate the keyboards on these things so there may be some abundance of errors, I haven't reinstalled word so I can't fix them all easily and it still is understandable.
Like what I wrote, love is blind yes, but because of it's lack of ability to discern the negative aspects not because it can't see, love is a feeling and a connection that can be on so many levels or in so many different ways, which sometimes can be really bad unfortunately, but seeing past faults, seeing past things or not noticing them at first can allow you to see the good in someone you may have passed by, you may have not ever found or met, sometimes this is good and sometimes it's bad.
Every day of your life you take a ton of risks but they're not considered evil for their chance to do harm to you, everytime you do pretty much anything in this world there is a level of risk, something our mind calculates and over life somethings have their risk dropped down to nothing where it's never a thought, like say putting up a christmas tree. There is a chance, however small it may be though, that it will burn down all you own and possibly kill you. But that's a calculated risk and so is love. An in most cases the outcome of a miscalculation on love isn't as bad as a malfunctioning christmas tree.
Seeing past peoples faults be whatever they are is a great thing, cause if all we saw first were faults we'd pry all be single forever, no one is absolutely perfect, if you think there is that person, a perfect for everyone person, who has not a fault, no anger, no bad days, no sadness or hurt, nothing but being happy, loving, and giving 100% of the time and never forgets or messes up, then love is an impossibility or you're being lied to.
An all I have to say about lies is, they are like a gun, they can be used to hurt or harm depending on what it is, saying something you wanted to buy for your girlfriend/boyfriend was less than it was, saying 7 dollars instead of the actual 12 because perhaps money is tight, or personally your money is tight, is not evil. You're making your gift to them not come with any negative emotions, that may seem like not a lot of money but you can increase it and the same thing is true, you're sparing them any level of guilt for any amount of time because you wanted to do something nice for them and they felt bad knowing you didn't have a lot of cash. Even if you have money maybe the person is very tight with their money, maybe they came from a household where they never got anything, maybe for a bunch of reasons a little lie about somethings price or whatever it may be can save the one you love from feeling something negative.
Now if you say lie about cheating or loving a person at all, you're scum and what you did is bad up to evil depending on severity, an also like guns, and miming your sentiment on lies, they can just be considered flat out evil because the only time you really know or care someone lied is when it hurt you. I have a good memory, I remember entire conversations that are years old, and if something someone says doesn't matchup at all, not even close, I'll call them on it. Sometimes it sucks and sometimes it doesn't, sometimes you find out they kill people in your basement and sometimes you find out they didn't want you to know where they were and lied to surprise you with a gift.
Sarah saw the good in someone despite their faults, an having met the man I would agreed with her entirely of her original mind set, Sarah is amazing at seeing the good in people, I count myself as a good judge of character and that's one thing, but to see the good in people a lot of others may not, or may notice the faults faster, well it's both a curse and a blessing. But I'll tell you right now if given the choice over seeing someones faults first or their good aspects, I'll take seeing the good.
I'm pry in a small amount of people that have had as few relationships as I have by my age (29yo), an I'm sure that sounds really awesome, an yes now I'm very happy about it. However, I am well versed in being alone, wanting to be loved by another, feeling a total despondency, and anabsolute contempt for love. That was pretty much from 13 to 23, so a decade I spent in that state of mind. You know what makes it impossible to find love? Hating it for how it makes you feel bad and not loving it and embracing it for how it makes you feel good or even just it's potential to make you feel that happy loved feeling, when it does all work out you get something and someone amazing and without replacement in your world. When it doesn't you take that relationship and ask questions to yourself of it, why this happened, how they reacted to things, learn from your mistakes and accept other peoples (to a degree).
If I hadn't been with my ex girlfriend my current wouldn't have been able to handle it, now I wasn't the reason we split up at all, it was more a changing of heart on her part (haha, to put it lightly) that was not really within my control, however I never cursed at her once, I honestly went sort of biblical with my anger toward her, curses of flies of a thousand camels and weird stuff like that, only one thing hurt her and I'm forever sorry for that even though she destroyed what I felt was my only chance, people evolve and change, but you can know some things right off the bat, and I ignored those things, I decided that I was willing to give up certain things I always wanted, convinced myself I really didn't, that I couldn't do stuff. In all honesty I destroyed my motivation for self improvement by trying to 'improve myself' into something that would work and that I could force or trick myself into believing. I wasn't desperate, I looked good and had dates before the one with her and lined up after hers, but after our first date I canceled them all, we clicked in a lot of humor and personality traits, we liked a lot of the same things, but our goals, dreams, aspirations, and a lot of other things didn't really make sense at all. I saw past that stuff and hell I tried to change for some of it, but I saw the good in her, not just that she was a good person, I saw something I needed for my life besides love that I didn't realize or know I saw, I thought it was one thing and it turned out that it was going to show me more about myself in the end than I learned about her, she's my best friend now and honestly after knowing her for 5 and half years, some stuff still hits me outta left field.
There are a hundred things I learned and I took them all into myself and I tried to work on those things, it wasn't always a pretty path as I came to terms with things, I thank my current girlfriend for putting up with it and accepting my faults and being there when I thought it was impossible for anyone to be there for me and doing it from long distance even, it's just mind boggling to me that someone would do that for me and it touches my being with true love, yeah I said that, and yes I know that she is very much she is my true love or soulmate, whichever. If you ever really feel that feeling, that serenity, that elation, that comfort and life goals match up, even if not identical, they are perfectly fine, I have no problem with the way we talk about our future even though some things will come later than my dream vision, but we have the same goals, and again with her and being on the same page, I feel a drive in my life again. Her love gave me myself back, her love gave me the kick in the ass to stop sitting around, stop self hating, stop just assuming I'm broken, and instead improve myself, better myself, try and fix the faults, and work on myself because she's worth every single amount of effort I can possibly give, she's worth braving any fear I have, an my biggest fears are large amounts of people and schools, yet this fall I'm going to be starting college an I'm doing everything I can to prepare myself mentally for it. If her giving me that drive by being the most important thing in my life that I can face fears that have haunted me for around 20+ years comes with any chance of a bad outcome before I get to a woman like the one that I love and who loves me, then hell I'll take it, I think it'd be silly not to.
Love is evil if you don't believe it, you don't learn from them, you don't learn from yourself, you disregard them entirely because of the pain and cut them out of your life because they hurt you and you ignore the things that you liked and then loved in the first place. No, maybe they won't be the person you'll love forever, that doesn't mean they are worthless, doesn't mean you can't appreciate the aspects of the personality you loved as a friend and accept and like them as they are, flawed, faulted, or mistaken as they were.
Evil, to me, is ignoring the people that meant a lot to you, that you loved and they hurt you for whatever reason and in that pain you let it all turn to hate, hate for them, hate for yourself (How could I not see this? why did I take this so long? Basically a lot of self doubt and loathing.), and then hate for love because it is always easier to blame the thing you were looking for when you get hurt, I know I did, and that's normal and fine for a while, natural really. But if that remains your thoughts on it and that's what you think and say love is, pain, hurt, evil... I think that you're focusing on the bad rather than the good and trust me I've done that most my life with myself, people, places, I had a bad world view we'll say. An focusing on the good aspects of yourself and other people, events, or things is hard as hell sometimes, it's so much easier to be mad, to want it your way, to not think you have to change because they hurt you so they're broken and I'm fine. If you think love is something that is or isn't and if it is it's good it'll by defalt be forever and if it isn't after a little while it must not be meant to be. All I have to say to those thoughts is; evolve or die and the best things are worth fighting for.
Again, there are exceptions a lot of which that tend to begin or end with the word abuse, hate them surely, but learn from that too, why was it acceptable to you for so long, why was that person like that, what things can you pinpoint from knowing that person that you can look for in other people at first to avoid it, etc. There is nothing good about it having ever happened but I'd think it's good if you made sure you knew as much about it all from all perspectives and you can do a lot of that by analyzing your past, the relationship, and everything you knew about them if you can't, won't, don't want to, or they won't talk to you an if you did, go with a few strong friends depending on what happened.
You can't and shouldn't forgive everyone, not every one should get that access into your friendship, some it's not healthy, some it's to painful to have that reminder. I do know I'm glad I stopped yelling at my ex and started talking to her, stopped being hurt and honestly accepted her reasons, because if I'm doing something stupid or I'm being an idiot there are 3 people in this world I know and trust to tell me I need to stop being an idiot an not do something or fix something or apologize to someone. My girlfriend, my ex, and my Mom in that order.
I know this was stupidly long, I have an issue with being overly explanatory and verbose at times (I'm trying to work on it. (-: ), especially late at night and it's nearly 7am as for typing that line. So I'll stop now before I get murdered, I have one last thing to say, I read it from a book just meant to fill in the lore and history of the world in the game Skyrim, I came onto facebook just to post it because I thought it was an interesting perspective on good and evil.
Good is what we want to be, good things is what we want to happen, good is the goal in most peoples lives, you want a good life. The catalyst for good is often from something evil (to varying degrees) happening in your life, something you see as wrong, something that hurt you and you don't want to do or be, a lot of the things you do are because you didn't like some aspect of something and you wanted to make it better regardless of what that was or what it is, that is very often the case.
Many religions and moral views are based on be good and god loves you and everything is awesomazing forever, of course that's once you die, scary as hell, unknown, not evil but regularly viewed in most cases to not be ideal and living preferable. Why are most people good? Even athiests? Why don't athiests go and jst rob and kill whatever they want? Because they don't want to hurt people, so they try not to, to be good people, cause they don't like being hurt, so their empathy (in normal/normalish people) for pain and suffering that has happened to them gives them a knee jerk reaction to not hurt others or animals, as little as possible really. Most people even when they hurt you, or even hurt you worse than they would have by just causing pain right away, they're trying not to do that cause they want to be good, they don't want to hurt you, they are trying their damndest but in the end it doesn't work, but they did some degree of what they did because they valued you, loved you even, but they couldn't pull it together, couldn't change it, and in the end they hurt you worse by prolonging something because they cared how you felt and didn't want to be a bad person in their own eyes and in a lot of cases the person who they hurts eyes.
People say, can't have the good without the bad, can't have the light without the dark, and the sayings are taken for granted or thought about for a moment as something you pass of as deep sounding but not truly a significant saying, but it's more true than I really ever thought about an hour and a half ago when I read something in a game that made me think more about why we all do the things that we do. An if you fr a moment think of a person who has done horrid things, they did evil because it made them feel good. Like everything it can be twisted, surpising, random, or wrong but the reason we aren't microscopic nothings on earth and are instead tiny humans in the universe and able to consider that is because something crummy happened to our little microscopic ancestors and they had to change.
I'm sorry it's so long, I get carried away about things at times.
It's long, it's wide, it came from me, and it's in your eyes right now!!!
Also I got it in your hair, sorry, that's a bitch I bet.
It took me 10 years, writing it for something and someone else, and breaking a thousand posts, but I feel like I actually wrote something that was more than whining or weird shit about Yetis.
"As fucking amazing as The Horny Yeti remains, may it be remembered in our eldest days and last breaths, amen."
Well, I'm going to relive that for 30 years when I spontaneously get alzheimers at 40, just Yeti rape, forever. *shrug* Maybe I'm actually really turned on by it and for 39 years I'll wanna die but for a single year I'll live my perverted, impossible, horrible, possibly future fantasy for every second of every waking hour till I'm killed by a psycho nurse with a god complex and using morality of suffering as a scape-goat without ever asking, why for the past year has this 70 year old man had an errection and random ejaculations all this time? Never will it cross her mind I suffered to be so happy, and her delusions will send me to hell, which may even have an up side, everything bad I think of does, or maybe that's hell, experiencing bad things and never changing so it doesn't happen.
If it is, I did that for 20 years, I cried, I bled, I burned, and I lived.
That's not cockiness that's my fucking resume to the Devil if I fucked up somewhere so bad I don't get to go to the happy amusement park on the moon or in the sun, I know it used to be in the sky but then we made planes so they moved it to the stars, so I mean that's annoying to move all that... heaven around, it's god but, ya know, still. He gives us life, we make him move heaven of all things, and further away no less. THEN when heaven is in the stars we go into god damned space, I mean hell people who pilot anything that goes more than 100 feet off the ground is going straight to hell because moving once because your kids want the place is pry shitty and annoying but, it's there home, and they use the space there now, and there are like a billion of them and they keep fucking and swearing when you tell them it's stupid and pisses you off, but you love them so you move.
Then, here you are as god, their damned great, great, etc. grand children of these little flying pricks launch send stuff toward heaven again, and you can't just let them move into the gated community, so you move heaven again, but at this point, yeah you're god, everything is cool so long as you're sorry... No one's sorry about having to move heaven twice, we just wanted more space.
At this point we're all going to hell cause he's just pissed.
Hell is like heaven's super shitty worst ghetto on earth times a thousand, but you will have a lot of sex... You don't want it, but... so... yep.
Okay even though it's insanity it's vaguely on topic and I think you'll be less worried about me with this ending than if I had not added anything at all.
Later forum fellas and femme. There is only one woman left who posts here ever, right? Femmes if I'm wrong.